Every Now and Then
by I8dask8s4lunch
Summary: A moment in the life of Chloe Sullivan. PLEASE REVIEW, even flames welcome
1. Disclaimer

Don't sue, DC Comics, WB, and anyone else I forgot. I'm just borrowing, you can have Chloe and the rest back when I'm done, so no worries, right? The stories mine though, so for everyone else, no stealing! 


	2. Every Now and Then

Okay, I haven't a clue where this came from. It isn't very on spot characterization of Chloe, but it's what I imagine is going on in her head. Lex hasn't gone crazy yet, and she has yet to reconcile with Clark. But this is about her finding herself and the road to being a better person. I want all reviews, any thoughts anyone has, be they flaming or otherwise.  
  
Now, onto the show.  
  
Chloe sat alone on the pier of Crater Lake, gazing at the ripples she stirred up with her toe as they ventured toward the shore. The water was positively icy, unnaturally cold for October, and sent a series of shivers up her spine she refused to acknowledge. It was the last time she'd have the Lake to herself before it froze over and a few tingles from the frigid water weren't going to scare her off. However, it did prompt her to choose to sitting on the rotting wooden planks and teasing the fishes with her large, sadly neglected toe, where a few chips of red nail polish still resided from a sleep-over style party with Miss. Lang a lifetime ago, over the long, refreshing swim she'd had in mind originally. Over the course of the hour she'd been there, Chloe decided that drinking iced tea in the mid- day sun and shocking her shoulders with splashes of water when she started to bake was a much more satisfying experience. The lake and forest around her were so serene and quiet she'd have thought it eerily on any other day. But not today.  
  
Today, Chloe indulged in a mental health day she sorely needed. On a Saturday like this, she knew her private oasis of the lake would be abandoned in favor of the movies or coffee at the Talon. That was just the way she liked it. On days like today, she could leave behind her persona, her image, the pressures of her life and expectations that resulted, Lana's daily exploits that read more like a melodramatic soap opera than the life of a coffee house manager, Lionel and his demands she knew she couldn't face, and Clark, with all his mysterious disappearances and unexplained phenomenon, burdened by the weight of a world he shouldn't have to carry but did none-the-less. It was too much for her to handle and maintain any semblance of sanity without distancing herself from it somehow. At some point, Chloe had stopped being true to herself and started being who everyone expected her to be. Defiant and strong-willed. Too curious for her own good and suspicious. A girl with an attitude and a major chip on her shoulder. Somewhere along the way, she'd lost herself. She couldn't remember when exactly, and that scared her more than she was willing to admit. Chloe had put up walls around her soul and tearing them down wasn't an easy task. But she had been trying for a month now, and was getting closer everyday. The dream of ridding herself of them completely someday pushed her on.  
  
That's why she was finally standing up to Lionel, doing some research of her own and delving into the old mans colorful past. That was why she had handed some of the work for the Torch off and accepted the help her reporters so willingly offered but she'd been to stubborn and controlling to accept. It had given herself some more free time to do her schoolwork, and she was daring to imagine that maybe, just maybe, she'd even pass math this semester, without Clark's help.  
  
That's why Chloe was taking a break from Lana, deciding it was time to step back and let her cry into a pillow at night over Clark and their problems instead of her shoulder.  
  
And that was why she and Pete had grown so much closer over the last month when Clark had pulled even farther away, even though he was now in the area code. Chloe hoped she was making progress, that the depressed, over- burdened, tearing-her-hair-out tense shadow of a woman she'd morphed into was slowly giving way to the vibrant, beautiful, happy girl she'd once been.  
  
'Happy.' Chloe wanted the elusive figment of an emotion so desperately. For now she'd settle for remembering what that word meant. She'd known a lifetime ago, when she and Pete and Lana and Clark had been such good friends. Before the lying from all sides had become too much and she finally realized all the darkness the world was home to. Before she'd given in to and called Lionel, found Clark in Metropolis, and hid it all the while from his struggling parents and girlfriend.  
  
Was it really only six months ago? The thought amazed her. Six months was all it had taken to strip her of any innocence she'd maintained in Smallville, taint any ethics and morals she'd formed, and wake her up to realize that the world really wasn't that great of a place, a place she could fix with her idealism and spirit.  
  
Not when her best friend and crush started dating behind her back when they'd promised not to.  
  
Not when someone could loose everything in one fell swoop and then take off because of it, abandoning all those that could mean his salvation.  
  
Not when Lana had another reason to sob at night when she thought no one was listening until Chloe broke down too. That was when she dried her own tears and brought her best friend a plate of cookies and an empathetic ear. Lana had lost so much in her short lifetime, seen so many things no one should have to see. Chloe understood. But Lana hadn't let it jade to the point of destruction, and Chloe was determined to give her friend something she'd never been graced with before. A true friend who would listen to all the problems and emotions she felt throughout it all. A sounding board or someone to give advice, and maybe lend her piece of mind along the way.  
  
Or when Clark abused her, verbally at least, in Metropolis.  
  
Or when Lex could came back from death to find that it was his own wife who had stranded him alone for months on an island in an attempt to murder him for his money. True love turned into greed. She was no different than the others. Were they ever?  
  
Not when her father sold his beloved new Ford to get a used Honda so she would have some money in a college fund. He'd cleaned it out when her mother had come begging for money again. Gabe always had a soft spot for Vicky, her mother, the eternal gambler and drunk with so many loan sharks after her she could barely afford the hospital bill their visits gave her, much less an apartment or food. Gabe always bailed her out, set her up again, got her a job, and desperately tried to hide the whole thing from his only daughter. But Chloe had found her years before, when she still lived in Metropolis. Her father never found out she knew. He thought no mother would be better than the one she'd ended up with. Secretly, Chloe agreed.  
  
No one seemed to notice that Chloe was always there listening and helping in her own subtle ways. She knew the goings on of the people in her life, even if they weren't there to tell her what happened themselves. Chloe was a highly empathetic creature, a quality she rarely let show, but because of it she became highly invested in people. She felt their pain, mourned with them, tried to figure out why they reacted the way they did or coped the way they coped. People were the eternal puzzle, they always changed and often there was no answer to the whys of their actions. So she settled for the how's and the what's and the when's and the where's. It was something that made her a good reporter, the need to know the facts behind things or find all the pieces to the puzzle so she could put it could together, something she was very good at. She was often right about the whys when she came to any conclusion, and her thoughts on people were right on the money nine times out of ten. But the ponderings on the inner workings of people, her intuitiveness, and her empathy never made it to print.  
  
It didn't stop her from crying the night she found out a man had murdered his whole family while they were tightly tucked in bed.  
  
Or on 9/11 when all those innocents died at the hand of terrorists trying to send a message on their view of the world. The futility of it and the meaningless havoc it caused had her sobbing inside for a week.  
  
Or when Clark's parents lost their only baby, the only chance they had at a blood and flesh human being of their own creation, after the car accident he felt that he had caused. She'd seen the pain running rampant in his eyes, known the ache his heart felt. She'd known it too.  
  
All of it affected her deeply, but she chose to hide it under the veneer of a reporter, curiously interested and detached.  
  
And Chloe dealt. She was always the one who dealt. Pushing things down and locking them away in a box that she stuffed in the basement of her mind to collect cobwebs was her specialty. Everyone around her had so many things going on in their lives, so many problems more important than hers. Mind- blowing, apocalyptic type things that would cause the whole world to fall down if they didn't deal right then and there. At least that was how it seemed. That was why they didn't take time for her problems, just blamed her or hid it from her and never thought to think of her feelings.  
  
Chloe often scolded herself for the bitterness and cynicism that colored her life. It wasn't the way to live, she'd learned that by now, and was taking real steps to get away from it. But sometimes it unconsciously crept into her thoughts, and she couldn't chase it out until she figured out it was there. And when she did, she realized that she had never really dealt with the bad things in her life, like the people around her always did in their own ways. She made time to deal, sift through the feelings she blocked out for so long just to cope from day to day. It was hard, but Chloe was never one to shy away from something because it would be a lot of work. Instead, she embraced it and danced her way through it, something that proved much more difficult than she ever imagined it would be. The process was long and the road bumpy, but now, a month later, she was making progress. And the work would make her achievement when she finally had fought her back into the light, where she wanted to be.  
  
Today, though she sat here, taking a break from the back-breaking work, lounging as best she could on the dock, with her hastily packed bottle of iced tea and half-empty box of chocolates resting temptingly beside her, dressed in a little yellow bikini and matching orange sarong that had never quite made it out of her closet it this past summer. The bikini was the sole reminder of her one truly fun day in a very long time. She'd gone to Metropolis just a few months ago, in late July, to do an interview for her column and talk to her editor before catching a mocha latté at her favorite coffee joint, Joe's. It had been one of Lana's hard days, full of angst and depression over Clark, the kind that was steadily creating worry lines across her brow. So she'd invited her to come along, hoping to perk her up, offering up the passenger seat of her white Hyundai and to splurge on lunch. Lana had agreed, on the pretense that there was a new bookstore on 5th and Sycamore she had been wanted to explore since the opening last year. They both knew she'd tucked a stack of flyers on Clark in her purse and was going to stop by the police station to check up with the detective in charge of missing persons. But Chloe had been a good girl and hadn't mentioned it, and the pair stopped by a cute Chinese restaurant for lunch.  
  
Afterward, before they went their separate ways, Chloe noticed Lana admiring a handbag in a boutique next door while she paid for the meal. Lana shied away from it as soon as she came out, but Chloe insisted they go inside. Pointing out the handbag she'd seen her best friend eyeing, the girls spent some time oohing and aahing over the rectangular pink purse with a series of black roses down the front. One thing led to another, and soon they were scavenging around the shop and giggling like the good old days, trying on random hats for the hell of it and scooping up an outfit or two neither could afford and trudging off to the dressing room. Chloe went out on a whim and tried on a startling, bright yellow bikini with an orange and yellow sarong, sprinkled with suns all across the fabric. She felt rather silly once she'd put it on, seeing as it was much more revealing than her standard black one-piece. But after some not-so-gentle prodding and a few colorful threats from Lana, Chloe had peeked out of the dressing room. The second she opened the door, Lana had gasp. Chloe looked absolutely stunning, the suit hugging in all the right places, accentuating all the right curves, highlighting her bouncy blonde hair and sparkling green eyes. Chloe would never forget what Lana had told her. It was something that she'd never heard Lana tell anyone before. Sometimes, she doubted Lana realized how much it applied to herself. But that's just how Lana was. The fact she would pay such a compliment to Chloe struck a chord with her. Those five simple words left Lana's mouth and smacked Chloe, forcing her eyes open with their truth.  
  
"You're radiant, Chloe. You're beautiful."  
  
With that, Lana had beamed at her while Chloe's face flushed and she quickly fled back to the dressing room. But Lana caught her arm and pulled her over to the mirror, standing behind her in the frame and fixing her hair before stepping away and telling her, "Look, Chloe. Just look at yourself. What do you see?"  
  
So Chloe had really looked at herself, studying the portrait before her. What she saw surprised her. Instead of the spunky young girl she always pictured herself as, there was a tired, beautiful woman before her. No doubt, she saw what the suit did for her body, the way it showed off her stomach and back and legs, but there were dark circles under her eyes that Lana didn't notice. The woman in front of her was exhausted to her very soul and it shined through her face. Yes, she saw a beautiful body. But the spark in her eye was gone. The beauty that she had cherished in herself was missing, and Lana didn't notice its absence. Chloe couldn't blame her; she'd missed it too for months. But now it was more apparent than ever. It stunned her into silence.  
  
Lana had taken the silence and expression as a good thing and bought her the suit for her birthday that month. It had hung on in her closet everyday hence, a memory of what she'd seen that day, but pushed aside in favor of letting go and having fun. That memory fit in a box that didn't quite close, and the basement door in her mind was left slightly ajar. The memory bothered her months, until she made the decision to change, and then finally woken up one morning and put the decision into effect. She couldn't say exactly why she'd chosen September 12th to begin her conscious effort to be a better person. Maybe Chloe had an epiphany or a change of heart, or maybe something she saw that morning in the mirror spooked her again. Whatever it was, that was the day it all started. A month ago today.  
  
Chloe sat contentedly on the pier and popped another chocolate into her mouth, savoring the taste and sipping her iced tea before staring out over the water again. She wasn't writing an article in her head, or musing over some issue or event that vied for her attention. She didn't agonize over Lex, or Pete, or Lionel, or Lana, or Clark. Chloe just felt a breeze wash over her face, flick back her hair, and tickle the sole of her foot with a twig in the water. She was more conscious of the world than she'd ever been and she let the sensations flow over her. Chloe was finally tasting freedom, her true being exposed, if only for an isolated hour at the lake.  
  
For now, Chloe just was.  
  
And that was enough.  
  
Thoughts? Feelings? Rant on. 


End file.
